Phil's article--Why Me Lord?

“Why Me, Lord?” I’m certain you have asked this same question at some point in your Christian walk. Some of you that read this will no doubt conclude that I’m just suffering from stress brought on by our peculiar situation. I ask all who read to understand this one simple truth about me, “I would rather be playing golf.”

Please bear with me as I provide a little background for any new prayer-partners that might be reading my reflections for the first time. As a retired Army officer who married late in life and sired four sons, it is my core belief that God must have a serious recruitment problem given He wants me to serve as His representative to the people of Jeju-do, South Korea. I have worked at the Company for over ten (10) years now and I’m not getting any younger. In August of 2011 my Korean-American partner, Sue Park, decided the limit of her patience had been exceeded and asked to be reassigned. Our supervisor agreed and she is now off somewhere else serving the Lord with gladness. As for me and my house, working alone requires going back to the basics and for this missionary that meant Korean Language School.

Helaine and I are both full-time language students at an institute in Seoul. David (17) and Daniel (15) are high school boarding students at Taejon Christian International School, while Andrew (13) and our baby Noah (10+) are attending Seoul Foreign School for the next year. The Company has provided adequate living accommodations but our comfort stuff remains in our home in Hallim on Jeju Island. This brings you all up-to-date with the radical changes we are processing and sets the stage for my annual “January Week of Prayer and Fasting” which is the context for this opportunity of reflection. As in years past, I expected to spend seven (7) days during January in prayer and fasting for insight and direction from the Lord Jesus Christ. This has always been a challenging but very rewarding time alone with the boss.

This year was different on many levels. First, our circumstances dictated that I spend the week “alone” only in a symbolic manner of speaking. Our bedroom was my sanctuary of solitude, at least during the day. While I was observing a complete abstinence from food, the smells from the kitchen below our bedroom was pervasive as Helaine and the boys maintained a healthy diet of nutritious dining each day. The distractions of parenthood couldn’t be entirely avoided either as our boys often require the firm hand of father administered discipline to stay the course of righteousness. Still, the spirit was willing and strong enough to control the weak flesh for the first three days of the week. However, as day four dawned, the Second major crisis arose. I do not know what hit me but the result was diabolical. Some sort of demon bug crawled into my digestive tract and wreaked havoc on my will power. If only a simple cold or sinus infection I might have sustained, but whatever attacked me hit below the belt. Third, and finally, the dryness of my empty-stomach heaving was being matched by a spiritual dryness in prayer.

My ship was sunk by a calamitous convergence of circumstances. Dead in the water due to a severe lack of Spiritual Wind in my sails, I was swamped by a tsunami of external distractions when they struck my already weakened physical vessel. This is all to say, I’m sorry to report that I failed to achieve the goal.

I gave up the ghost after five (5) days and broke my fast. I’m sorry.

That’s the bad news. I would like to report the good news that God blessed in spite of my shortcoming and provided many keen insights and clear direction. Again, I’m sorry.

The worse news is that after five days of fasting and prayer, I had NSR! [Nothing Significant to Report] Instead of experiencing a spiritual high complete with profound wisdom and a strong sense of purpose; I discovered myself wallowing in a sea of pity asking the ridiculous question, “Why Me, Lord?”

It has always been clear to me that the best way to reach a people group with the gospel of Jesus Christ is from within the circle of their native culture, language and social relationships. Therefore, I’ve prayed for the Lord of the harvest to provide a co-worker that is a Jeju native and a committed brother in Christ. After five (5) years of struggle NTS! My Company provided partners have been a linguistic crutch that I relied upon so heavily my own skills deteriorated and now I must pay the piper his due. So, it’s back to school with the added pressure that failure is now measured by what should have been fluency already.

Meanwhile, the blue-collar workers of Jeju complacently grope through their spiritual darkness in a vain attempt to achieve a meaningful life, totally oblivious to their absolute corruptness outside of our Lord Jesus Christ. I cry out in my soul for someone to go out into the villages of Jeju and warn them of their desperate condition. I plead with sweat and tears for someone to have compassion enough to share the good news of God’s Love with the farmers, fishermen and heanyo of Jeju before it’s too late. I beg on my knees for a servant of our Savior to fulfill His Great Commission and go to Jeju and make disciples, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and teach them to obey all His commands. The answer from heaven has been consistent; it rings in my ears with resounding clarity: I Sent You!

Oh for shame! I am undone. My flaw has been exposed. I am the answer to my prayers. Pity the poor souls on Jeju Island because their message of hope is delayed and will be garbled at best when finally delivered. What divine folly is this? Why Me, Lord?

OK, enough of this poetic nonsense. What is my point? My dearest friends, partners in prayer for the Jeju people, I recognize and confess my sin before God and all of you. Linguistically, I’ve failed to reach even the most basic level of competency as a missionary and therefore am incapable of fulfilling my responsibilities. However, God is gracious and through the Company has provided a second opportunity to correct my language deficiency. With a firm commitment to study hard to show myself approved and confidence sustained by your faithful prayers the Hamline family will return to Jeju Island in 2012 if the Lord tarries. Meanwhile, stay true to your commitment and pray that the Holy Spirit will work even in our absence growing the seeds we planted over the past several years. To Him be all glory, honor and praise! Hallelujah and Amen!